Really?

A lot of things have been going on lately in my life.

Most of them are good, others not-so, and I always remind myself that that’s fine.

But, you see, I’m quite concerned with how I view life. I am a very positive person, if you may, don’t get me wrong. However, I feel like I am just a passer-by in my own life story. I do not know my end goal here. What do I want? What do I really want to do? What do I really want to be a couple of years from now?

It is very evident with this blog. There is no specific theme. That is good, sometimes, but you see, it’s easy to get lost when you do not have anything specific in mind. I think that’s the reason why I feel so lost sometimes, which eventually leads to sadness.

Partly, I blame my busy schedule for this conundrum. Around 75% of my time is spent on work, 10% on stressing over work, and just 15% for overall self-improvement. And the thing is, even when I’m supposed to be self-improving, I use this on non-sense activities like social media, stalking people that I find interesting, freaking out because I did not spend my time on worthwhile activities, and then succumbing to the thought that I can never discipline myself.

School will start on April and I am seriously wondering how I will be able to survive everything without losing my mind. I figured with uni activities coming in, I will be forced to spend less time doing work, which is not as good as it seems because I just found another outlet to distract myself from the most urgent questions that I think I should be answering right now: who do I really want to be? What do I really want in life? What makes me really happy?

And it’s funny to realise that I do not even know what makes me truly happy. Is it the opposite of the things that make me sad? That’s.. quite vague.

I honestly still do not know how I would deal with myself.. which may be the reason why I find it difficult to deal with other people who are getting too close to me. But that’s a totally different story, haha. I am kind of pressured to figure out my life before ending this article, but I am going to raise the white handkerchief now and admit that I have not a single clue as to what I would be doing next. And that means, after publishing this post, I will go back to mindless “productivity” and slacking off in intervals.

But I would like to believe that I can somehow still turn things around, you know, like Alice in “Alice Through The Looking Glass”. I just have to take it one step at a time, and this post is one step towards it: I am acknowledging the fact that I have a lot of not-comfort zones to conquer.

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