Category Archives: Off-Air

Left or Write?

“We are not those characters we want to be. We are the characters we are.” – Tom Wolfe, “Genius”

I never felt comfortable, or even the slightest bit excited, with autobiographies and non-fiction books or movies. The thought that what was happening on the movie, or what was being described in a book, all happened in real life always makes me feel uncomfortable. Of the very few occasions I have witnessed such literature, there’s this question that lingers behind my mind: why is my life not as vibrant? And then it gives birth to a couple more questions that, in general, make me feel as if I am but an empty shell walking around every corner, waiting for something that will fill the black hole inside.

It’s like being alive is like having this unending responsibility to prove you’re worth the air you breathe and the pavement you’re standing on. You have to be interesting. You have to be weird in a unique and lovable way, lest you want to be the unnamed passer-by.

Am I living a life enough to take up pixels on a computer screen or ink on a paper? Will someone even care to know what I was thinking one hot evening under the street lamps and sparkling sky?

And then I realised one thing: the greatest biographies have been written to look back on someone’s life. They’re done a long time past when they happened. It is not so much as to tell the world how a genius spends his morning. It is more of the idea that you’ve done all these things that didn’t seem to make sense – but now they do. They are meant for looking back and reflecting on how far you’ve come – of how brave you’ve been for going through all those shitstorms and fucked up days. It’s about realising that one point lead you to another until the exact spot where you are right now.

We’ve all been writing our autobiographies all this time. Which path are you heading: left or right?

Just another complaint.

People often see me as someone who has her shit together. They think of me as someone who’s “up and coming”. Someone really authoritative calls me his “golden girl”.

But what does that even mean? What does it mean to be someone that everyone considers to be.. “doing really okay”?

Would you call it “success” if it’s not something you were aiming for in the first place?

Okay, yes, I know. I do not even know what I want to do with my life, yet here I am: complaining again. I am serious about this. I can do things, do them really well, but I cannot do things. All I probably know is how to shadow others, and raise the bar higher – I cannot set my own bar. I can only do things that others are already doing.

What am I gonna do? I am 23 and I do not have a single idea what to do with my life. I do not know if this is pre-quarter life crisis kicking in, but I am dead serious right now. How do I figure my life out?

Maybe I should do some.. summer cleaning? You’ll hear from me again soon.

One Last Time

As it seems, I am unconsciously a fan of deadlines.

It’s ironic, I know. I procrastinate a lot, rant about not having enough time to do everything all the time, barely have time to relax, and complains endlessly about stress as if it’s always the first time. If anything, I should be the last person saying something positive about due dates.

But when I said that I kind of like deadlines, I was actually thinking about that feeling that something will stop happening. It feels good to know that certain things like stress, anxiety, and panic, will cease to exist after some time – that they only have a limited period and that I will get a break from them, even though short. It’s good to realise that the world does not stop for me, and that everyone has a lot going on that they would not really stop what they’re doing just to look down on me.

Of course, good things also have deadlines. But at least you’ll know that they are just around the corner, waiting for the cycle to complete.


Which got me thinking on the side.. why do we always hope that the last times will last?

Last hug.

Last message.

Last smile.

Last bit of hope that someone’s coming back.

It’s quite ironic, you know? Hoping that the last thing will last forever. Or is it our way of reminding ourselves that the last times will always be a part of who we are? That the last times will stick around for a much longer period, even though they’re already due.

This is the last time that I am going to think about.. you.

Bus, Stop!

Newsflash: I rode a bus to get home today.

It’s a big deal because I. Hate. Bus. Rides. Especially. Those. Where. I. Am. Not. Seated.

I was feeling pretty good when I clocked out of the office, even though quite late already, today because I had finished some tasks that were left pending over the Easter break. However, things turned around real quick when I realised that the MRT station has no NB operations. Here’s a summary of what went on in my head when I realised the conundrum I am in:

Me: OhmygoOOOooDd
Me: Should I just walk home??
Me: Holy cheese wtfffffuuuu
Also me: *pokerface*

I was literally freaking out already because:
1. I don’t know what bus route I should take! “Cubao Ibabaw”, “Cubao Fast Lane” does not ring any bells to me!
2. Why the fck do bus drivers decide to just freaking accelerate at a rate faster than the speed of light just when the passengers have just set foot on the bus and haven’t even found a seat yet?? Like, is there some inside joke here?! Do I look like Spiderman to you? Do you expect me to swing my way towards the back of the bus?? Wtf???????
3. I have heard lots of stories where unsuspecting and vulnerable victims have been held up or pickpocketed during bus rides. Let’s just say that even though I am always that friend who reminds the gang to watch out for their belongings, I never suspect other people to just do that to me. Or maybe I just physically look vulnerable sometimes. Or maybe I just want someone to try to pickpocket me so I can use my jiu-jitsu training. LOL, can be all.
4. I get super stressed out when people walk towards the door because wtf how do you even do that? I am already sweating out my life while atanding on the aisle. Like, fuck, you da MVPs!

However, I had this weird thought that said there might be a reason why I was left with no option but to ride a bus. Maybe I just bumped onto my soulmate? LOLJK.But srsly, that thought occurred to me – just like in the movies when the protagonist male and female get on the same bus and have not just realised it yet. Hihi.

But, yea, oh well. Just making some lemonades out of the lemons I got today.

Tale as old as time..

Tale as old as time. 💃

Belle (version 2017) just became my favourite Disney princess.

I am not a super fan of Disney movies, but I must admit that they are really great movies! The remake of “Beauty and The Beast” is definitely one for the books (pun intended). To be honest, I am no longer familiar with the storyline, simply because I’m not super thrilled by classic fairy tales. BUT after watching the movie, I felt that it became my favourite right away because:

1. Belle is a bookworm! She loves books, omfg! And the Prince/Beast also reads lots of books. Where can I find one like him?!

2. Belle did not fit in because, as it appeared in the movie, she is “ahead of her time” and some sort of inventor. Being in the STEM industry myself, I feel so empowered and it makes the movie relatable. Or probably I can relate because I always feel like I do not totally fit in with groups of people.

3. The Beast is super cute and awkward. I want to hug him. 😚

4. All the characters are lovable! I cannot remember their names, but I found myself crying (yes, I’m emotional, don’t judge me) when Mrs. Teapot was looking for her son and then she froze because the last petal of the rose has already fallen. I also cried when The Clock said it was an honour to serve alongside Candelabra. My heart. 😭

5. The lyrics of the OST is A++. I know it’s a classic song, but I only came to appreciate it yesternight! Barely even friends, then somebody bends.💃

So needless to say, I feigned offense when my colleagues in Melbourne (who are guys, btw) said it’s “for kids”. Like.. okay, I get it – you’re old. Haha.

Both a little scared, Neither one prepared.. Beauty and The Beast. 😍

Keep On Walking

I love long walks.

Yes, the verb. Walking – as in exposing myself to the harshness of this concrete jungle (where dreams are made of 🎵) called Manila. Yes, as in getting from point A to B in the most traditional fashion. Yes, I love walking.

That sounds a bit weird, coming from someone who rarely gets out of the house, I know. But long walks literally mean being out of the house while doing nothing else except walking. I mean of course you can happily chat with someone while in the act, or listen to your new playlist – but it does not deplete the energy you need to walk.

It’s so basic and, hence, underrated. People prefer the confines of their own cars or riding buses for convenience. Others prefer biking or running for fitness. But when it comes to long walks, you’d get puzzled looks from others.

I walked home today, choosing the path that I have not stepped foot on for a year or so till today. There were lots of memories that came to me – all of which are just funny to me now because I felt like I have walked past (pun intended, yehey! 🙌) them already. It took me around 45 minutes to get home instead of the usual 20 minutes when taking public transport.

And yes, what the fuck was I thinking, tiring myself for nothing? I do not know either, but today would not be the last of it.

Well I’m like a stone,
And I’m carried on the river
Like a boat sailing on the sea
Oh, well I keep on walking
Oh, well I keep on walking
Till I fine that old love
Or that old love, comes to find me

Listen to it here: Keep On Walking – Passenger


A lot of things have been going on lately in my life.

Most of them are good, others not-so, and I always remind myself that that’s fine.

But, you see, I’m quite concerned with how I view life. I am a very positive person, if you may, don’t get me wrong. However, I feel like I am just a passer-by in my own life story. I do not know my end goal here. What do I want? What do I really want to do? What do I really want to be a couple of years from now?

It is very evident with this blog. There is no specific theme. That is good, sometimes, but you see, it’s easy to get lost when you do not have anything specific in mind. I think that’s the reason why I feel so lost sometimes, which eventually leads to sadness.

Partly, I blame my busy schedule for this conundrum. Around 75% of my time is spent on work, 10% on stressing over work, and just 15% for overall self-improvement. And the thing is, even when I’m supposed to be self-improving, I use this on non-sense activities like social media, stalking people that I find interesting, freaking out because I did not spend my time on worthwhile activities, and then succumbing to the thought that I can never discipline myself.

School will start on April and I am seriously wondering how I will be able to survive everything without losing my mind. I figured with uni activities coming in, I will be forced to spend less time doing work, which is not as good as it seems because I just found another outlet to distract myself from the most urgent questions that I think I should be answering right now: who do I really want to be? What do I really want in life? What makes me really happy?

And it’s funny to realise that I do not even know what makes me truly happy. Is it the opposite of the things that make me sad? That’s.. quite vague.

I honestly still do not know how I would deal with myself.. which may be the reason why I find it difficult to deal with other people who are getting too close to me. But that’s a totally different story, haha. I am kind of pressured to figure out my life before ending this article, but I am going to raise the white handkerchief now and admit that I have not a single clue as to what I would be doing next. And that means, after publishing this post, I will go back to mindless “productivity” and slacking off in intervals.

But I would like to believe that I can somehow still turn things around, you know, like Alice in “Alice Through The Looking Glass”. I just have to take it one step at a time, and this post is one step towards it: I am acknowledging the fact that I have a lot of not-comfort zones to conquer.

Nobody’s Gonna Tell Me How To Wear My Hair

This may possibly be the stupidest, most arrogant suggestion you will ever hear – and I will ever say – but I suggest you speak up when you’re angry.

Before you start throwing rotten tomatoes and hard-boiled eggs (yum!) towards me, pause. I mean, well, correct me if I’m wrong, but apparently you’re pissed at me because you follow the do-not-speak-when-you’re-angry thinking. So why not practice what you preach, eh? (Just kidding. I luh you, reader.)

It makes me wonder, really. Honestly. Why do people say that speaking when you’re angry will make you regret your words? Is it because you might and will say bad things? Like, you might blurt out something that will hurt the other person’s feelings? What the hell, man? What kind of reasoning is that?

If you’re wondering, the theme song I’ve picked for this post is The Maine’s song, “My Hair”.

Okay, now back to raging. (Lol)

Let us inspect the “situation”. Let me use “you” as the main character here, because I’m trying to dissuade “you”.

So, someone did you wrong. Something horribly wrong, like throwing away your favorite mixtape. I mean, well, you can always have another mixtape, but that’s your favorite mixtape and you don’t think not being angry is an option. Then, you got angry. Then, you started talking. And talking. Started swearing maybe. Then the other person felt hurt. Then– wait.. what?!

You see, that’s my point. Other people will tell you afterwards that you shouldn’t have kept talking. You shouldn’t have said nasty swears. You should have thought over your words because now, the other person is hurt.

You’re feeling guilty. Why? Because you know you had hurt someone’s feelings. You feel like a bad person? Yes, because you think you should have considered their feelings. But what the hell, did that person ever consider how you’re going to feel before doing you wrong? Maybe. Maybe not. But that person did it anyway! That’s why you had gotten mad, and we’re having this talk!

Let me explain this more clearly (hopefully). You were the one who had her mixtape thrown out. You were the one who’s going to be sentimental about that mixtape. And yet, you’re supposed to feel bad for the other person? Yes, okay, go on, feel bad. But I don’t think you should regret what you have said. Those are your truest feelings, no matter how petty a situation can be. You are technically spilling your heart out. You are telling the other person that you are frustrated. Your words explain how you’re feeling.

You know what, you shouldn’t be holding back your words. And guess what, everyone should stop being so fucking butthurt when someone’s being “rude” and saying “harsh words” because that someone’s angry.

You are angry because someone had done you wrong. You are saying bad things because someone had done you wrong.

If you were the “sinner” here, understand that you have done something horribly wrong to someone. They are saying bad things not to intentionally hurt you, but because you’ve done something that made that person do so. Her words are her feelings. You are the sinner here. This happened because you are such an asshole (in that situation, I mean). Accept the words as something you deserve for not being mindful of others. Understand the principle behind the words, understand the “why” behind those words, so that you learn that the other person is mad because of such and such.

That’s all. Thank you. 🙂 (And yes, shit is real in this blog.)

Just so.

I am just so tired.

Physically, emotionally and mentally drained. Like.. if you are going to poke a hole on my skin right now, I doubt there’d be blood that would flow out. If any, you’ll see the last shreds of my soul evaporate into thin air.

I need a 72-hour sleep. Halp.

Cover Your Ass

During my first few months at my current job, I often hear people saying “CYA” about almost everything – which basically means “Cover your ass” (pardon the language – no, actually, pardon my personality lol). And tbqh, that’s a shitty piece of advice.. 

.. well, at first.

I used to think that in order for a team to be successful in what they do, they have to be motivated – which is easily achievable if there is a good mixture of cooperation, bond and respect between the people involved. But, like, really? CYA? Did they really believe that encouraging people to, in a way, pass on the blame will inspire teamwork? Can CYA turn failure into success, in worst case scenarios? A quick answer would be a resounding “no”, especially if you’re new to the concept.

Being the human mess that is me, the CYA approach somewhat goes against my ideals. I have always valued good bond between people over things that can be quantified (eg. money, ratings, etc). For me, it is more important to have the same goals and be in harmony with other people than always watching for my back because someone might just stab me.

But then, as I spent more time working on projects with new and old colleagues alike, I have learned that thr CYA rule is not really that bad.

For starters, it encourages communication between the people involved. It basically means you need to make sure that you are on the same page as the others, and that you understand what is expected of you. It encourages people to raise concerns to the people who can handle them and to be mindful of the goals of the project because it’s what everyone aims for.

Aside from that, it also encourages people to take responsibility of their own work. It’s like making sure that you are wiping your own ass. It requires people to step up and own up their roles and deliverables, and to ensure that loopholes are all patched up.

Ultimately, once a team goal has been set, everyone is expected to contribute their hundred percent – and strangely, the CYA approach ensures such is the case.

Other than that, I realised that whether or not the CYA rule is right on the money really depends on how you view your work and how much relationship and trust you have for your team mates in the first place. The CYA approach, strangely, tells every member to watch their own backs, but at the same time, to watch out for the others in the event that they miss something.

And you know what, I want to be on the brighter side of the coin, so I’ll stick to the latter point of view.

Happy almost-Friday! (In the timezone that I am in, at least.)